"Come on man!"

-Joe Biden

"Will you shut up man!?"

-Joe Biden

"Abraham Lincoln here is one of the most racist presidents we've had in modern history. He pours fuel on every single racist fire."

-Joe Biden, on Abraham Lincoln

"Folks, I can tell you I've known eight presidents, three of them intimately."

-Joe Biden, Aug. 22, 2012, on sexual intercourse

"Come on. What's the matter with these guys?"

-Joe Biden, on middle school bullies

“You had to put on your windshield wipers to get, literally, the oil slick off the window,” 

-Joe Biden, Reminiscing his childhood fantasies

"He says we're learning to live with it. People are learning to die with it." 

-Joe Biden, on artificial breasts

"Come on. There's not another serious scientist in the world who says it's going to be over soon."

-Joe Biden, on his erection

"We are America, second to none, and we own the finish line. Don't forget it." 

-Joe Biden, on cumming first

"Do you have any idea what this clown's doing?"

-Joe Biden, on the entertainment at his birthday party

"I may be Irish, but I'm not stupid."
-Joe Biden, on breaking racial sterotypes

You want to know whether we're better off? I've got a little bumper sticker for you: Osama bin Laden is dead and General Motors is alive. Osama bin Laden is dead and General Motors is alive! Osama bin Laden is dead and General Motors is alive! 

-Joe Biden, on getting a "one deag" on Osama bin Laden in CSGO

"The number one job facing the middle class, and it happens to be, as Barack says, a three letter word: jobs. J-O-B-S."

-Joe Biden, after a devastating spelling bee loss

“You’re full of sh*t!” 

-Joe Biden, convincing himself he has to poop

"If you want to know where Al Qaeda lives, you want to know where Bin Laden is, come back to Afghanistan with me."

-Joe Biden, inviting his family to see his new neighborhood

"If John McCain wants to know where the bad guys live, come back with me to Afghanistan. We know where they reside, and it’s not in Iraq."

-Joe Biden, inviting John McCain to see his new neighborhood

If you need more than 10 rounds to hunt, and some argue they hunt with that many rounds, you shouldn't be hunting. If you can't get the deer in 3 shots, you shouldn't be hunting. You are an embarrassment. 

-Joe Biden, after losing match of Yugioh to a deer

"You [all] need to work on your pecs."

-Joe Biden, to his wife and children

“I want the press to know, she pulled me close,” 

-Joe Biden, bragging about his rizz

“The greatest gift is the ability to forget — to forget the bad things and focus on the good.” 

-Joe Biden, after forgetting to pick up his son from school

 “Poor kids are just as bright and just as talented as white kids," 

-Joe Biden

"Isn’t it a b*tch? This vice president thing?"

-Joe Biden, on the second highest ranking position in the United States

"You all look dull as hell, I might add. The dullest audience I have ever spoken to. Just sitting there, staring at me. Pretend you like me!"

-Joe Biden, to a group of school-children